Letters to Santa and the gifts from santa
by Little W0lf
Summary: The charachters of the lord of the rings sent letters to santa. What's santa gonna say? What is he gonna give them?
1. Read, Santa!

Disclaimer: I don't own the lord of the rings. For all you guys who love Legolas and the other characters, I have no intention of ruining their characteristics.  
  
Chapter One: Read, Santa!  
  
Santa Claus brushed his beard. He realized that the chimney did not have a suitable size for his bag of presents. But enough of this.  
  
He decided to shove himself down and get his work done.  
  
Unfortunately, this happened to be the house of the Lord of the rings characters. Once Santa got down the chimney, he spotted five letters addressed to him laying next to the chimney. He tore the first one open. It read:  
  
Dear Santa,  
  
I'm Boromir and I've heard that you give presents on Christmas day. Well, in case you haven't noticed, it is Christmas day! All I ask of you is one simple thing. I would like to have Frodo's ring. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!! As a token of my appreciation, I offer you this plate of cookies and milk on the desk at your left. Be informed that they will automatically self- destruct the moment you leave without giving me the ring. THANK YOU!  
  
Your Loving Fan,  
  
Boromir  
  
Santa scratched his head and shuddered. Sure enough, the plate of cookies and the glass of milk was literally at his left. He ignored this and opened the second letter. It read:  
  
Dear Santa,  
  
I want you to know that I love to suck my thumb while sleeping and unfortunately, I have sucked my skin completely. To solve this problem, I ask you to give me a teddy bear to suck while sleeping. Thanks a million.  
  
Love..err Yours Truly,  
  
Gandalf  
  
Santa tore the letter to pieces. He stood horrified at the possibility of an old man twice his age having a crush on him. Eeek. Nevertheless, he opened the next letter.  
  
Dear Santa,  
  
Hello. How are you? Surely you've heard of me, the sexiest and the most handsome of all elves and other species in the world. Naturally, I'd love to give you a signed picture of my beautiful self-just ask. Anyways, I can't figure out what to ask you for but any Hair product or facial cleansers will do enough. And do give Boromir a lump of coal for Christmas. He's been a very bad boy.  
  
Still Pretty,  
  
Legolas  
  
Santa shook his head miserably. He now realized that a bunch of weird people were inhabiting the house he was in. But that was not going to stop him from being Santa Claus. No sir. He then proceeded to opening the next letter.  
  
Dear Santa,  
  
I am Sam. My lovelife has been miserable.  
  
(Santa looked dumbly at the letter muttering, "Do I look like a love expert?")  
  
My love ignores me so then, I would like to ask you to give me his heart. (NOT LITTERALLY!)  
  
Santa crumpled the paper. These odd people were asking for crazy things he might not even get for them. Stupid Job. Santa ripped the next letter irritably.  
  
Dear Santa,  
  
Hello. I kinda didn't want to write this. I'm being called "wimp" by everyone I know. I guess that at some point, I am a wimp so I would like to ask you for courage. It's silly but they say that I can get anything from you, Santa. I'm counting on you.  
  
Yours,  
  
Frodo Baggins  
  
Santa shrugged. This was going to be hard-----and stupid. But maybe, there might be a way........  
  
HANG ON! There's still a chapter two!!!! 


	2. Santa's Reply

Chapter Two: Santa's reply  
  
The peculiar group awoke the next day, snow continuously falling and neighbors busily shoving the snow of the sidewalk. It appeared that Santa had already left and probably found out some sort of way to finish his duty. Legolas was the first to run down and, much to his relief, five presents and four letters lay under the Christmas tree. WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Boromir yelled. He jumped and snatched the letter for him. It read:  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
You asked for the ring, right? As you can see, your explosive cookies and milk have not erupted as of now. Clearly this means that you will receive what you have asked for.  
  
Yours,  
  
Santa  
  
Boromir squealed loudly and grabbed the tiny package addressed to him. Legolas smirked at him. "I bet it's a lump of coal." He muttered. But, a letter too was waiting for him. He opened it.  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
I don't want your picture but thanks for the offer. Anyway, what you asked for is in front of you and I do hope you will like it.  
  
Yours,  
  
Santa  
  
Legolas turned to look at the present and gulped. What could it be?  
  
Frodo too, had a letter but wanted to open it later. (Hey, his letter will be revealed in the next chapter) Gandalf alone did not receive a letter but tore his present open immediately.  
  
Aaaah! Gandalf screamed excitedly, clutching a teddy bear in his arms. "Oh!" He said. "Just what I wanted!" He started to suck the teddy bear's head. Suddenly, he screamed in horror and pain, dropping the teddy bear. AUGGHHHH!! He said, holding up the separated head of his brand new teddy bear. "NOOOOO! Don't die on me! Come on! CPR! One...Two...Three...Breathe!"  
  
The rest of them watched, puzzled and disgusted as Gandalf performed the morning breath CPR. The teddy bear could have suffered severe lung injuries if it was truly alive.  
  
Still, there were questions unanswered: What did Boromir, Legolas and Frodo, and Sam get?  
  
Find out on Chapter three! 


	3. Secrets revealed

Chapter Three: The secrets revealed  
  
-Thanks to all those who reviewed!-  
  
Gandalf was currently going mad at the sudden loss of his err..."beloved" Teddy Bear but enough about that.  
  
Sam was holding up his own present and was busy reading his letter:  
  
Dear Sam,  
  
I had a hard time hunting your present and I want to say that you can't toy love. Make your loved one love you. This present may help and next Christmas, do ask of something that doesn't concern love----You asked for a naked picture of your beloved last year, remember?  
  
Yours,  
  
The very tired Santa  
  
He instantly brightened and glanced at Frodo. "Oh Joy!" He exclaimed. "This time, Frodo will fall for me!" He tore his present open and found out that it was a book entitled: "Love and how to be loved by Sam Johnson" No-one knows if it was purely coincidence that Sam and the book's author had the same name but Santa says that Sam Johnson also fell in love with a man and that this suited an idiot like Sam. Legolas also opened his present. It appeared to be a bottle of lotion that smelled of fresh flowers. "Oooohhh!" Legolas squealed. "I'm gonna show this to the guys at the Men's parlor!" Unfortunately, Legolas failed to notice the minor note written below the lotion's brand: FOR WOMEN ONLY. Happy embarrassment day Legolas!  
  
Boromir seemed to be drooling over his present but he opened it anyways. "AUUGGGHHHH!!!!!" Frodo suddenly dropped his present and everyone stared at Boromir. It seemed that he had gotten, for some strange reason, a WEDDING RING.  
  
"WHAT THE F****NG H*L* IS THIS CRAP? A WEDDING RING?! DAMN THAT SANTA! CURSE HIM! THAT F***I*G ASSHOLE!" Boromir was caught in a fury of anger and pain, no-one wanted to move and Legolas says Boromir looks like a wild bull and screams like a cow giving birth. (Legolas, give your comments later, please.) Gandalf looked up and almost cried with joy at the very sight of the ring. He jumped up and immediately tried to grab the ring from Boromir. "Give that to me!" said Gandalf. "Santa must have made a mistake with the presents! He wants to marry me! Give me the ring, I'm Santa's lover not you!"  
  
The fight seemed pointless but Legolas and Sam stayed to watch.  
  
Frodo was reading his letter and he wanted to jump for joy.  
  
Dear Frodo,  
  
I tried to get you what you wanted and I sort of got them for you.  
  
(Frodo looks at his present, a bag that said COURAGE --- BISCUITS)  
  
If you run out of these biscuits, don't ask for them again because they're a very rare brand err... Magical objects. Understand that when you eat those biscuits, they will sort of give you courage.  
  
Yours,  
  
Santa  
  
Frodo opened the bag of biscuits and ate one. "Hmm.." He said. "Not bad at all." He had also failed to notice the piece of tape that covered the word between COURAGE and BISCUITS. Actually, it's real brand is COURAGE DOG BISCUITS. Well, Frodo, be prepared just in case all kinds of canine bacteria take over your system. And so, this year's Christmas for the five of them ends.  
  
An upcoming Chapter four is on it's way. It contains what Santa has to say. 


	4. Santa's final word

Chapter Four: Santa's final word  
  
Santa says:  
  
Groan. Hello. So it's you then. Well, those bunch of wackos almost had me back there. I could have torn my own hair and beard to pieces as well. I received some questions from some of you so, here are my answers:  
  
Question: Why did you give Gandalf a gift when he's already too old to believe in Santa Claus?  
  
Answer: I decided I'd better give him something before he starts following me everywhere or even start an "I believe in Santa Claus" fan club. Did you expect me to allow him to do that and wreck my life forever?  
  
Question: How come you gave Boromir a wedding ring?  
  
Answer: I was too afraid of his explosive cookies and milk so I didn't have any choice.  
  
Question: Why didn't you give poor Gandalf a much more high-class teddy bear?  
  
Answer: I DID give him a high-class teddy bear! Unfortunately, it seems his sucking mouth was high-class too.  
  
Question: How come Frodo received dog biscuits with the brand name, "COURAGE"?  
  
Answer: Hey, I couldn't think of any other way to cure his lack of sanity I mean, lack of courage.  
  
Question: Why give a feminine lotion to Legolas? Is it because he's like a woman?  
  
Answer: That was a feminine lotion?  
  
Question: Why didn't you believe Legolas and give Boromir a lump of coal instead?  
  
Answer: Santa sees all. I see everything that you people do.  
  
Hey now, let's not get perverted!  
  
Question: If Gandalf asked for your hand in marriage next Christmas, what would you do?  
  
Answer: I'll simply go and marry a cow instead and say I'll never divorce it.  
  
Question: Is there a next chapter?  
  
Answer: Yep. Next Christmas is a lot more fun since Aragorn, Grishnakh and Saruman along with the rest of the characters ask Santa for crazy stuff again and they might even get to meet Santa himself! 


	5. Read, Santa! Read, Santa!

Chapter Five: Read, Santa! Read, Santa!  
  
Again, Santa found himself on top of the very same house he had been on that Christmas. It was the same type of people. He recalled well their wishes: a ring, a loved' one's heart, a teddy bear, courage, and beautifying objects. He felt that sudden urge of leaping forward to his sleigh and escape through the night, relieved at the thought of getting rest from those crazy people. But still, he was Santa Claus.  
  
Down the chimney he went; there was really no other choice.  
  
Yet again, five letters were right before him, only that there were no more plate of cookies and milk for him. So Santa set to work again and tore open the first letter:  
  
Dear Santa,  
  
First of all, thank you for the lotion but now, I would like to ask you of something I'd really love to have. The elves all around the world have been talking about this new crossbow called "Elf-crossbow 9000". It's excellent for elves like myself and I know it'll just match perfectly with my new silk outfit! Please give me an Elf-crossbow 9000!  
  
Yours,  
  
Legolas  
  
Santa thought for a minute. An Elf-crossbow 9000 was extremely costly and he considered this Legolas fellow wise to have asked for it since he knew Santa would give it to him. Santa suddenly realized that he did not have the capacity to get such a thing but he had a plan....  
  
The next letter read:  
  
Dear Santa,  
  
I know you cheated. I know you gave me a cheap teddy bear. For that, you'll have to pay me! That's right, you have to pay me with a new teddy bear with a built-in suck-proof system or else I will call upon the abominable monsters from beyond the grave to haunt you forever!  
  
Back with a vengeance,  
  
Gandalf  
  
Santa sighed. Another teddy bear. But at least, it was easier than what Legolas was asking for.  
  
Dear Santa,  
  
I don't want to ask you for anything now. Your Courage biscuits have given me nothing but continuous diarrhea and severe stomach pains. But it's not that I hate you. I'll ask you for a present when I get out of the Intensive Care Unit in the hospital.  
  
Thanks,  
  
Frodo  
  
Santa wanted to laugh but it would wake them so he silently opened the next letter.  
  
Dear Santa,  
  
I hate you.  
  
From the man who will curse you forever,  
  
Boromir  
  
Santa did not mind this since he thought it was pure revenge that he gave Boromir a wedding ring. The next letter seemed to come from an unfamiliar person.  
  
Dear Santa,  
  
You probably don't know me yet but I heard from my companions that you give away gifts on Christmas. I'm not gonna ask you for presents since you're a stranger. I just want to know who you are and why do you have a job like this? I've searched books for your name but there was no record of your name. So please, kindly answer the questions below:  
  
1) What is your real name?  
  
2) Where do you live?  
  
3) What is your telephone number?  
  
4) How many kids do you have?  
  
5) What is the license plate of your car, "The Sleigh"?  
  
6) What kind of gasoline do you use to power your car?  
  
7) When is your birthday?  
  
8) What is your favorite color?  
  
9) How did you get so fat?  
  
10) Why do you need to come down the chimney?  
  
Yours,  
  
Aragorn  
  
Santa groaned. He had lost his fan Gandalf but now, an interviewer was on the loose. When was the torture going to stop?  
  
He picked up the next letter and opened it.  
  
Dear Santa,  
  
I thank you for the book you gave me but still, I haven't gotten to try it's techniques since Frodo my love has been hospitalized! Could you give me a medicine to cure him immediately?  
  
Yours,  
  
Sam  
  
Santa was about to leave the presents but he saw a last letter. There was still another one.  
  
Dear Santa,  
  
I know I've never written to you before but I just want to ask though Gandalf doesn't mind much, are you trying to copy our beards? That's copyright protected you know. I wish to confirm if you are copying my fashion statement. Be informed that my lawyer is ready to go to court with you. In the meantime, I want to ask you for a potion that will permanently strengthen me despite of my old age. Deliver it to this address please:  
  
1091 Fossil beards street, Fwahhahahaha country  
  
Truly Yours,  
  
Saruman  
  
Santa was frozen in anger for the next several minutes. Why in the world would he copy Saruman's stinky old twisted beard? But he needed to get the presents first...  
  
Chapter six is a mouse click away.. 


	6. The final gifts

1 Chapter Six: Receive the gifts  
  
  
  
It took a few hours before Gandalf awoke; he was still crying over his beheaded teddy bear. Legolas and the others were already awake.  
  
Legolas was staring at his new crossbow and Sam was so delighted at the sight of the tiny bottle Santa had left him. Gandalf didn't receive a reply from Santa but his present was there. "Oohhhh!" He squealed. "A cute cuddly old teddy bear!" He cautiously began to suck the Teddy bear's head, slow and gentle at first, checking if it was really suck-proof then, Gandalf turned abusive.  
  
Boromir seemed jealous but insisted that Santa was a tyrant and that he hated him. Aragorn had gotten a letter from Santa and he began reading it:  
  
Dear Aragorn,  
  
Here are my answers. Please do not ask me silly questions again.  
  
My real name is a well-known kept secret.  
  
I live in the North Pole  
  
I have no telephone number you dumb ass  
  
I don't have kids  
  
My sleigh is not a car and it doesn't have a license plate  
  
Again, my sleigh is not a car and I use reindeers to power the sleigh  
  
My birthday is entirely a secret  
  
Red and white obviously are my favorite colors  
  
How did I get so fat? That is a question that has baffled scientists for thousands of years. Don't ask me that again you bastard  
  
Must I politely ring the doorbell and wake you? Of course not! That's why I must come down through the chimney you consummate idiot!  
  
Sincerely Yours,  
  
Santa  
  
All of them were enjoying but then without warning, a black object swooped in. "AAHH!" said Boromir. "What the heck is that?"  
  
It flew above Boromir and nested on Gandalf's head. "AAUUGGGHHHH!" He screamed like a sissy little girl. "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! AUUUGGGHHH!"  
  
Legolas got out an arrow and decided to test his new bow. After taking aim, he fired his arrow. Thwang. There was a sound of the arrow hitting something large then suddenly, Gandalf screamed. "MY BUTT! SOMETHING BIT MY BUTT!"  
  
Legolas smiled weakly as the black object which seemed to be an owl flew out the window. Apparently, it was scared by Gandalf's screams. Legolas wondered what could have caused the malfunction of his shot as Boromir tried to remove the arrow from Gandalf's ancient shiny butt. It was then that Legolas noticed that there was a letter under the Christmas tree. He picked it up and read it.  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
I'm sorry but I cannot get what you have asked for. I will however, try to get it next year but be content with this crossbow. Take note that it is only of cheap imitation quality.  
  
Very yours truly,  
  
Santa  
  
Legolas looked at his bow and began to weep bitterly. 


End file.
